March 24, 2014

Why 'The Last Crusade' Is My Favorite Indiana Jones Movie

I've heard people say that 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' is the best Indiana Jones movie. Some people even say it's a perfect movie, which I've never understood. I mean, you talk about perfect movies when you talk about 'Citizen Kane' or fucking 'Lawrence of Arabia' or...you know...something directed by Stanley Kubrick. What you don't talk about is fucking Indiana Jones, because calling 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' a perfect movie just misses the point of the Indiana Jones franchise (which, for the record consists of only 3 movies.) Indiana Jones is about having fun, and punching your way out of problems and wearing a neat hat. Trying to call an Indiana Jones flick a perfect movie is like referring to Star Wars as great philosophy: it's mostly just a funny joke.

So, to all the people who think 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' is a perfect movie, and the best of the Indiana Jones TRILOGY, all I can say is...whatever. You're welcome to your bullshit opinions.

All I can give you is a few reasons why The Last Crusade is, hands down, my favorite Indiana Jones movie.

March 16, 2014

Jar Brains VS. The Matrix

For anyone who watched The Meaning of Life episode of Stephen Hawking's Grand Design, there was a lot to get your head around. (Like for instance Stephen Hawking thinks philosophy is dead, and damn, that's some balls, right?) But I have to be honest with you (and I'm sure this is the kind of thing that makes Stephen Hawking hate people a little): the part that made the biggest impression on me was the Jar Brains, because I realized with some clarity why The Matrix turned out to be so fucking lame.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Nobody thought The Matrix was lame until they released the really horrifically pretentious sequels. And you're right. But, let's all just be honest with ourselves, the original was, in fact, pretty dumb. The sequels were worse, but the original wasn't as amazing as people gave it credit for either (or as original, actually. See Dark City, and tell me I'm wrong, seriously.)

So here's a list of why Stephen Hawking's Jar Brains are better than The Matrix (or, to state the painfully obvious, as I did when I watched the "Meaning of Life" episode, why Stephen Hawking is smarter than the writers of The Matrix):

January 13, 2014

Why I Hate "American Horror Story: Asylum": Horror by dumbshits

For a TV show with so much potential, 'American Horror Story' is, pretty consistently, an enormous disappointment. I can't tell if the people who write this stuff don't quite have the stomach for horror, or if they just get bored at the midpoint of every season. But this show never seems to pull things off like it should. The problem with the first season was that the writers all got too enamored with their ghost characters to the point that people dying had no real consequence, because everyone just ended up as a more interesting ghost version of themselves. It was a weird problem for a horror franchise to have, but it was at least understandable.

The second season of 'American Horror Story' suffers from a couple of much worse problems, and none of them are quite as benign as just liking ghosts too much. In the "Asylum" season, the plot missteps go from kind of weird, to all the way bad.

Firstly, it's not scary.

December 24, 2013

Why I hate Assassin's Creed 4: Edward Kenway

Edward Kenway, the main character of Assassin's Creed 4, is another one of this weird breed of video game characters who function as if money is a valid motivation. This kind of character seems to be cropping up a lot lately, and I swear to god, if I hear one more character wax poetic about "the big score" (Yeah, Grand Theft Auto, I'm looking at you) I'm going to lose my shit. The problem isn't that money is an unrealistic motivation. Lots of people want money. Hell, I want money. The problem with having a main character who's chief pursuit in life is a wad of cash is that it's just fucking boring.

Here's why.

December 19, 2013

Why I hate 'Assassin's Creed 4'

Okay, first let me say this: I've been playing games from the Assassin's Creed franchise since the very first game.

I could write a whole list of what I hated about the first Assassin's Creed game too, because the game mechanics were a little shitty and tedious; and yes, the main character was an Arab with an entirely American accent because the game came out while the United States was still invading Iraq. And those are just the first two things that come to mind. If I replayed the game, I'm sure I could think of more things to hate about it because, let's face it, I'm super great at hating things.

December 14, 2013

Why I hate 'Game of Thrones'

I know everyone everywhere is obsessed with 'Game of Thrones' right now, but I hate it. I hate the books, and I hate the HBO television show.

I get why the 'Game of Thrones' show is popular. The Lord of the Rings movies brought high fantasy to the masses, made a lot of money (though, let's be honest with ourselves, the movies were far from perfect) and then ended. 'Pillars of the Earth' was television at its finest sporting an awesome cast, great characters and a crazy interconnected plot set in a wildly unstable period of British history, which as a mini-series, also ended. After those two properties came increasingly disappointing follow-ups, 'World Without End' which was just boring, and more recently, Peter Jackson's very watered down and bloated 'The Hobbit.' People who had never considered themselves fans of either historical fiction or high fantasy suddenly found themselves both obsessively interested and entirely out of things to watch. Into the breach, stepped HBO, an enormous production budget, and a series of books which already had a fan base, and due to the style of writing could conceivably go on forever! A new cultural phenom was born.

I get it.

But I hate it. Let me tell you why.